The Vicious Cycle

This is a relationship post. I don't normally post feelings that pertain to my "personal" personal life, but this is my venue without having to feel I need to censor myself. So this post is about my vicious cycle. My vicious cycle is my marriage. I love my husband dearly- but at the same time I feel I cannot keep up to his expectations. We will see what happens after this last talk, but really this is like the three strikes rule and I am almost to the point where that is it. Maybe, it is me. I just can't be myself around him, I feel I walk on eggshells, and he isn't the person that I used to adore anymore. Mind you my head is fresh off of the argument and my face still hurts from crying like a mo-fo. I kept a blog post from 2004 in my notebook portion of my yahoo acct. and this is what it said- "I am afraid of what Ed came hom e soon after, he always is foul when he gets home. I am always afraid he will blow up like he did last night. I think its the afraid pat. I don't know how to be. I try so hard to keep the home maintained and find my balance, last night It simply wasn't good enough . Aways, try harder but w/ no avail. What do I do next?Pls. tell me." (writing angry that day?-why yes) Fast forward 6 years. Same situation. When will this vicious cycle end. Will it be when I say I can't take it anymore. Some days this is true. But I don't see myself without him. I guess I am not ready to throw in the towel yet and he hasn't either. Though yesterday, I had moments of doubt but I am a fighter and I will fight for the big things that matter to me. I guess this is one of them. Suck it up, Jen...Suck it up.

Props to SAHM/Ds of this World

Yesterday, I volunteered to babysit a friend's two-year old daughter. My friend was starting a new job as a cocktail waitress and she had been a Stay-At-Home-Mom (SAHM) for the entire time she had her daughter (call her S), so she asked me if I could watch S at the last minute. I, of course said "yes" but then I quickly remembered I hadn't watched anyone else's toddler-aged kid since I was 12-14 (my babysitting years). I had S for a whole 8 hours- which might be cake for some but not for me. Yes- I do have two kids of my own but I never really knew the true meaning of SAHM status. I always had either the daycare, preschool or a relative watching my kids while I went to work (work meant mental break). Anyways, it was hard work watching S. I had to make sure she didn't get into dog dishes, break something, or eat something she wasn't supposed to. She didn't let the TV be her babysitter, she wanted to color, walk around and throw not roll balls around (around my breakables- good thing onyx chess sets don't break).  Plus, I had change her "pull-up" every so often (not potty trained). I forgot about the "pull-up"/diaper part of life.  I got paranoid by this because I was afraid I was going to have to change a #2 (whew, this didn't happen). By the end of my "Shift", I was ready to give S back. S didn't cry while I had her (what a relief), but when i did give her back her tantrum side went off (sign of being tired). At the end, I was tired (I wanted a nap so bad) and I mentally was exhausted because I had watched the every move of a two-year old.  I truly had forgotten what it was like to have a toddler-aged kid. Props to the SAHM/D who don't get breaks in their lives. I love kids, but watching them - oh so not my forte.

Posted via email from Jennifer's epiphanies

NYC bathroom in Lego's

NYC bathroom in Lego's
Originally uploaded by TouchedByAnAtheist

This is the only bathroom in Miniland at Legoland California that is built in the whole entire area.

Remembering

So today is April 8th, 2010. I sometimes forget that I change, that people change, that I may be moody or sad or happy or flirty or angry. I tend to blame this on the foods I eat. I will feel gross if I eat too much sugar or fat and feel great if I eat healthy things. Same with what I drink. Me and alcohol = love/hate relationship. I like alcohol but it doesn't love me. I can get moody or happy, I tend to talk a lot, be gushy, be honest, sometimes regrettably too honest. My cutting point is probably half a glass cause one or more drinks and my thoughts go out the window (so if you are with me only one glass please). Lately, I been forgetting to be nice and smile. I want to go into the dark hole and hide and that has been the dark hole I been trying to dig out of for years. I like to think I have progressed but some things make me want to regress and I fight it. Really, I don't want to lose but some actions tend to beat me up and I want to wonder why I did what I did. I have learned from other people which has taught me to hold on to what I have. Be thankful for your family, your true friends, your neighbors and the encounters that decide that your life is better than what you think it is.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 30, 2008

Generally Speaking
I truly am blessed with my family, my friends, my job, my dog and other pets that are with me in present time. Sometimes it takes external forces to help me realize that I need to be proud of my accomplishments and what I have created as a whole. I also need to stay focused on being a positive human being. Whether that means I let people change lanes on the freeway in front of my car in traffic, smiling at someone at the supermarket when you know the other person is not having the greatest of days, or just plain on being a nice, polite person. This reminder of what is a growing process of myself, a current metamorphosis as you will, checks myself into reality from time to time. I can no longer be angry at the world and it's doings. It is what it is and it is up to me to help change at least my surroundings. So with this general mantra, I will try to be better at who I am and what I do...starting today.

My Myspace revisited

It has been a LONG while since I visited my Myspace Account. My page is like a black hole with memories till 2008. I even had a myspace blog post from 2007 saying I liked myspace better than Facebook, then I changed my mind in 2008. I recently logged in and found that it is mostly music-oriented, lots of game apps, flashing ads and entertainment centered. I do still have a few friends on there (mostly silly friends like Pickle, Gummy Bear and Nabaztag) but I looked around and about 5 or so of my friends still update their page. Anyways, it is pretty funny reading my profile back (see below). Slight things have changed like I no longer take french lessons, my tv shows have changed and my occupation is no longer what it is but overall my likes and views are the same. Do you still have a myspace account? 

About me:

Marriage is love.

(there should be a rainbow flag here)

..

..  I eat sleep work play and do it all over again. Let's see, I like to sleep. I work in recruitment advertising. I play with my kids and my friends. I like to go to Vegas at least once a yr. to watch a show or two. I am not much of a mall shopper, it makes me cringe. I hate waiting in line. Have to have my daily white mocha from SB. I am all about good karma. ------------- New as of June07: still sleepless, everything else is the same. I think I am a craft addict. I've got cool crap that is taking over my messy office. In 2007, I would like to: Go on a relaxing vacation!!!! 
win the lottery- the big one not the ten dollar wins 
go to the gym at least twice a week 
cook more in... eat out less 
work more efficiently and stop stressing 
recycle my bottles and cans- all of them not some of them 
sleep through the night....

• General

  My french lessons (terrible but still hangin in there), traveling, dreaming, tord Boontje, modernistic design, design in general, Aesthetically pleasing things. Sleep, Good Restaurants Staying in touch with family and friends and making sure no one gets in trouble.

• Music

  All sorts...I can listen to music all day. Artists forever: Madonna, Prince, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Zero 7, Carla Bruni, The Racounteurs, The White Stripes, U2 I have seen in concert: (Will see if I can remember- 1st concert(16yrs. old) to present- some out of order) Lynard Skynard, Aerosmith, Bridge Benefit (Neil Young, Pearl Jam, Tom Petty etc.., some thing in Hawaii (porno for pyros, the bee group whose lead singer died, Lalapalooza 93?, No Doubt before they hit it big, - Smashing Pumpkins, beastie boys, etc.., Smashing Pumpkins again in a much smaller venue in SD*, Bjork*, Chris Issak*, No Doubt and Bush (before Gwen and Gavin got married), Mazzy Star, Noisepie, Frente, Tori Amos (x3or 4 times), Susanna Hoffs, private birthday party with Kool and the Gang, Street Scene w/ Cake, Incredible Moses Leroy (x2) and Counting Crows, 

Posted via email from Jennifer's epiphanies

Yes - We had an Earthquake

Earthquakes are memorable events especially when you are in them. I have been in a few quakes in my life. I remember being 90 miles east of the big 1989 San Francisco Earthquake, I don't think I panicked for that one. In fact, I was at home on the telephone with a friend and told them to hold on we were having an earthquake. I always think back to that day because I was so nonchalant for that quake. I remember a couple of years ago, I was sitting at work on the computer and experienced a slight shake. It didn't last long so I was not in the position to duck and cover. I got up from my desk and it became watercooler news. Every time there is a small quake I am relieved. I was taught that small quakes are good to have because it releases tension on the fault. You don't want the tension to build up because it becomes a big quake (similar to yesterday in Baja). Ironically, I was at a dinner a few weeks ago and we talked about having and putting an emergency bucket together. I guess the key is to take a 5 or 10 gal plastic trash can with a lid and fill it up with camping supplies, water tabs and freeze-dried food, that way if you need to grab the bucket and go somewhere it is accessible all in one place.

Yesterday's quake hit me by surprise, I was getting ready to leave for our Easter Parties and saw our breakfast bar lights shaking. Then the roll came and I instinctly went under our dining table. I totally spaced on the fact that I had two kids who never felt a tremor like this before. Eventually, I ran outside and met up my kids and husband and watched the windows across the street rattle. As soon as I saw that the rattle was gone we all went back inside the house. I am grateful that my kids were not freaked out by this experience. I am especially thankful that their dad was the one who led them outside safely. Of course, I got a fun lecture on how I was totally unprepared and lacking earthquake knowledge. They teach you in school to duck under your desk in an event of a quake, I was told this has changed. I guess tables are not the safest places to hide under because they can fall on you. Also, I guess if you have children you should try to find them to make sure they are safe. This I didn't do either. Oops, #fail.  But what I will always remember about this Easter quake is that it is the day that prompted me to brush up on my natural disaster skills.

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Easter Greetings

Every year the Easter Bunny comes and gives treats to the little girls and boys of America. I think this is a great tradition. Though, I hope I don't find a hard boiled egg in my yard six months from now (that would be gross). I absolutely love Easter for the candy alone. Those Cadbury Mini Eggs and the Peeps are my two favorites, which reminds me I need to stock up on these before the day is over. Have a Hoppy Easter!