The Vicious Cycle

This is a relationship post. I don't normally post feelings that pertain to my "personal" personal life, but this is my venue without having to feel I need to censor myself. So this post is about my vicious cycle. My vicious cycle is my marriage. I love my husband dearly- but at the same time I feel I cannot keep up to his expectations. We will see what happens after this last talk, but really this is like the three strikes rule and I am almost to the point where that is it. Maybe, it is me. I just can't be myself around him, I feel I walk on eggshells, and he isn't the person that I used to adore anymore. Mind you my head is fresh off of the argument and my face still hurts from crying like a mo-fo. I kept a blog post from 2004 in my notebook portion of my yahoo acct. and this is what it said- "I am afraid of what Ed came hom e soon after, he always is foul when he gets home. I am always afraid he will blow up like he did last night. I think its the afraid pat. I don't know how to be. I try so hard to keep the home maintained and find my balance, last night It simply wasn't good enough . Aways, try harder but w/ no avail. What do I do next?Pls. tell me." (writing angry that day?-why yes) Fast forward 6 years. Same situation. When will this vicious cycle end. Will it be when I say I can't take it anymore. Some days this is true. But I don't see myself without him. I guess I am not ready to throw in the towel yet and he hasn't either. Though yesterday, I had moments of doubt but I am a fighter and I will fight for the big things that matter to me. I guess this is one of them. Suck it up, Jen...Suck it up.