Remembering

So today is April 8th, 2010. I sometimes forget that I change, that people change, that I may be moody or sad or happy or flirty or angry. I tend to blame this on the foods I eat. I will feel gross if I eat too much sugar or fat and feel great if I eat healthy things. Same with what I drink. Me and alcohol = love/hate relationship. I like alcohol but it doesn't love me. I can get moody or happy, I tend to talk a lot, be gushy, be honest, sometimes regrettably too honest. My cutting point is probably half a glass cause one or more drinks and my thoughts go out the window (so if you are with me only one glass please). Lately, I been forgetting to be nice and smile. I want to go into the dark hole and hide and that has been the dark hole I been trying to dig out of for years. I like to think I have progressed but some things make me want to regress and I fight it. Really, I don't want to lose but some actions tend to beat me up and I want to wonder why I did what I did. I have learned from other people which has taught me to hold on to what I have. Be thankful for your family, your true friends, your neighbors and the encounters that decide that your life is better than what you think it is.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 30, 2008

Generally Speaking
I truly am blessed with my family, my friends, my job, my dog and other pets that are with me in present time. Sometimes it takes external forces to help me realize that I need to be proud of my accomplishments and what I have created as a whole. I also need to stay focused on being a positive human being. Whether that means I let people change lanes on the freeway in front of my car in traffic, smiling at someone at the supermarket when you know the other person is not having the greatest of days, or just plain on being a nice, polite person. This reminder of what is a growing process of myself, a current metamorphosis as you will, checks myself into reality from time to time. I can no longer be angry at the world and it's doings. It is what it is and it is up to me to help change at least my surroundings. So with this general mantra, I will try to be better at who I am and what I do...starting today.

This or That

I am looking for a job. Yes, it is time. I need that responsibility in my life, that human interaction, knowing I still have skills. The question that I have been getting way to often- where do you eventually see yourself? Or where do you see yourself in 5 years? I guess I never fully looked into this other than I hope I win the lottery and sit on an island sipping margaritas all day. So really, what do I want to do? Do I want to have a career where I am successful, am well known in my field, have some meaning to what I do? Or do I want to just fidget and make widgets? I guess I will need to really answer this sooner than later. It is a burning question for them and I guess now for me. Also, I have the pocketbook and the family to think about in a more serious manner. My husband just got a pay cut, along with me not working, this is no bueno. I have to admit, before we did spend on necessities that were not needed. I spent $4 a day on a white mocha. Now I drink the instant stuff and it isn't as good but it is something. That is about $1 vs. $4 a day. I have cooked practically every single day in 2010. I think my signature dish is fried rice, and it probably costs me about $3 in ingredients to feed the whole family. My kids and hubs love it, I am ok with it. When I was too busy to cook, I would spend upwards to $30 on one meal (take-out). By all means we are not in the red yet. We didn't get that pool that we wanted before the economy went to crap or upgrade to our dream house when we both had full-time jobs. These decisions would of put us up sh*t creek. I am reading this book on living simply, practicing this philosophy on life means staying away from the malls/stores, itunes, Amazon and my choice money drainer Target. Having a list of basics of food/staples and sticking to it. I am still being social and going out to select things. I still belong to the MCASD so I get invites to their receptions and belong to my twitter/social media groups. But this year, unfortunately, you won't see me tweeting about delicious dinners at fancy restaurants or buying new technologies (I really want a web-based phone someday). But really, I am ok with that. I am grateful with what I have and am enjoying my family life in the process. Hopefully, I will be able to share our family vacation (generous mother-in-law x-mas gift) to Mexico in the beginning of March. But that is my This or That choice. The cruise is booked but I need to get on with life. If things happen, things happen. It is this or that.

Month of Changing

January is the start of my little life changes. 2010 will definitely be the year of change.

-I started watching my movie a day project for 2010. I have learned to watch a movie and think about what I thought about it and record my movie and thoughts via blogging on amovieaday2010.wordpress.com. This blog is still a learning process because I still don't know technical terms for movies. It has been cool watching a movie I may or may have not watched otherwise.

-I have been eating better. No fast food, cooking more, going to farmers markets for some of my food. I do feel a difference, hopefully, this makes for a better life in 2010.

-I still am doing Toastmasters. It is a love/hate thing. I need those motivators to help me improve public speaking. Yes, I still dread getting in front of people and speaking. A fear that goes back to grade-school. I rather have my pet hamster bite me 20 times than do a speech sometimes. It is that bad, but I am getting there. I am actually getting more comfortable so I am glad I spend my Saturday mornings there.

Still Improving

-Still need to be social. Haven't been to a social gathering in 2010. I plan to start this upcoming week and go to a few things. I even signed up for a trapeze lesson to learn something new with 9 others of course.

-Continuing to spend more time with my family. Lots of trips to the dog park. Will also try to go on bike rides, I just need to make that helmet purchase.

-Living more economically. I am reading this book called The Simple Living Guide: A Sourcebook for Less Stressful, More Joyful Living by Janet Luhrs. It has been an eye opening experience. I picked the book yesterday off my shelf (I've had for over a yr. but never really read it). This is a book I should of read/practiced a long time ago. By all means I am not about to go live out of a motor home to save money or grow my own food like some people have in this book. My goal is to stop and think about my purchase patterns in the past and improve upon them. I don't need my $4 Starbucks each day instead I make my coffee during the week and have a mocha as a treat once or twice a week. Instead of going to Barnes and Noble or buying a book on Amazon, I have been checking out books from the library. I can't do this for every single book but for many it has been working and saving me shelf space in the process. I still need to work on the shopping thing some more, but I think what will work is not to go to browse at all. The temptation is still there for me. Purging things, I recently cleaned out over 10 years worth of clothes/purses(mostly career clothes) and gave them away to AmVets. We also shut off our HBO and SHO for the moment. No Big Love for me (will catch up later). I am still reading the career choice portion of this book and still working on my life passion. I am still contemplating all my choices. I know in a few months I will decide and get there. The book also says to travel more to experience life (Not the Four Seasons way unfortunately). I like this chapter and will definitely practice this more(putting what I save from not eating out and coffee towards this).

So these are little/big changes in my life. Progression is the key and I think I am getting there.

My Sort-of-Resolutions

I am not sure if resolutions work so I will make some sort-of-resolutions. Not total promises but just some thoughts to put in front of my mind for 2010.

1. Run One 5K- Already signed up for this in April. Something to look forward to.

2. Start going to gym when I drop of kids to school, I need that extra motivation not to return home from dropping them off. It is usually a mile and a half 3-4 times a week.

3. Pursue my amovieaday.wordpress.com project. One movie a day for 365 days, I did 2 movies today. So I guess I can bank "Transformers, Revenge of the Fallen". Crappy Movie with Special Effects.

4. Eat healthier, try to hit the farmers market more. Cook more

5. Try to use coupons if possible. I don't bother to collect or look for them. Maybe, I can save money to travel more.

6. Think about buying stuff. Do I really need that shirt, trinket, stationery, cute on sale thing at Anthropologie/Urban Outfitters? Where will it be in six months? I know this may work for some things but not others.

7. Go to the dog park more. Dogs need exercise too...
8. Go out once a week with friends/or have them come to me

9. Clean off desk once a week so it doesn't build up and I won't become one of those people on Hoarders.

10. Time Management- Read, Watch, Internet, Learn.

11. Enjoy Life- don't obsess about having to find a job that I will dislike... accept my life as a consultant, Stay-at-Home Mom, Volunteer.

Lots of places and things to do

Lots of places and things to do this month, but still not working (another post, another time).  Another birthday passed by...the big 34, I think next yr. is a milestone, maybe I will actually have a birthday dinner with friends or something more than this yr. I am actually enjoying my time with the family, not so stressed out, rushing everywhere, trying to be everyone to everbody all at once. These are my top Sept. thoughts:

TEXAS
I went to Texas last week for a beautiful wedding, didn't actually set a foot in Dallas, but was about ten miles away, maybe next time. Observations:  Everyone spoke in a twang accent. If I had stayed there a bit longer, I might of even picked it up. Loved the La Madeleine Restaurant, never thought I would listen to beginner french lessons in a Texas bathroom. Another thing that grabbed me was a bbq restaurant called Red, Hot and Blue that we went to served "pitchers" individually as their glasses. 32oz of sweetness is what they called it, plus you get free refills if you wanted. I guess they do say everything is bigger in Texas.

KATHY 
Last nt., I saw Kathy Griffin Live. Her Balls of Steel tour, she mentioned tweets as twats, and had a lot of celebrity dirt stories. I think you either love her or just are plain offended. She is great in my eyes, so what if she is so wrong. Her topics last nt: Oprah, Whitney, Britney, Jon and Kate, Barbara Walters, Miley Cyrus, Palin Party, Paula, a bit on the Kanye/Taylor fiasco..and other stuff to bad to say aloud. My thoughts on her routine:  Someone has to bad mouth the celebs- why not it be her? Laughter is the best medicine they say, I got a great dose last night. The end.

FRIENDS
Old and new friends...I have my two oldest friends still around, 21 yrs. of growing up together, thick and thin. Not so hard to believe we stuck together for so long.. I wouldn't have it any other way, I love we share our differences, similarities, struggles and our achievements together. I just have to say if it weren't for them I would never have met my husband, had two wonderful kids or have fallen in love with San Diego.  I have also found new friends both in the former workplace and most recently by twittering (great cocktail party). I just have to say I have met the greatest people, everyone has a story to tell, some great ideas, many experiences good and bad. Can't wait to see the friendships grow and bloom. My thoughts on this: I never know where anything takes me anymore. May my experiences give me a great journey till Oct.

Writing is theraputic

Only on blogger.  I haven't been able to put pen to paper, I write only in the middle of the night and what is on my mind or passionate about.  I need to catch up on my Getting Goop-y posts about Gwyneth's blog.  Maybe that will be my Catharsis to get my life on track again.  I am slowly getting there, I guess that why 'work' is called 'work', you work to make a living, you work to have a life, you work to make something you enjoy.  It is quite a process, I do see a light though really faint, I see it. 

Oh the changes we seek

Life is one of those mysterious things.  All the challenges, uphill battles it brings. I guess life would be one boring gesture if there were no ups and downs in life.  I take this challenge on to find what makes me happy, fulfilled.  I have to keep telling myself one journey may lead to another.  I think I am like the character Matt in Ugly Betty, always going from one thing to the next. This summer, for as long as I can, I plan to enjoy my time with my children, maybe try to volunteer for a bit. Apply to colleges for work...not sure about private sector jobs anymore, they are too elusive. Get myself out there to see if I have marketable skills for the masses.  Love the continuous weekend I am having so far, but I know that will get old knowing my trips to Europe will be scarce if I don't work.  

Today

Today, I joined the ranks of the unemployed.  I really am totally ok with it. My line of work is a dying art.  The only thing is what do you do for money?  If I had a choice and now I do, what should I do with my life now.  Things I like right now. France, french things, art....this all leads to me being a artsy Parisian.  Realistic no but anything is possible.  Truly, I need to be me.  I have been suppressing it too long. I am going to decide in the next coming weeks what is right for me. Not a job, not a career, but truly what is me.  My passion, what drives me. Not just what collects a paycheck.  I have played that game too long.  C'est la vie.  Another fork in my illustrious world of me.

where have I been

I have been here, there and everywhere. I saw my grandma, where she lives and how her town is. It is perfect for her. She lives in Yuma half the yr. and the other half in the same town as my aunt and uncle up in N. CA. I think that is a great mix of places for a gal her age. I am more of a city girl myself, I am still young and trying out new things. It really puts things in perspective. My reflection on this, comes to the conclusion- there is more I can do. I tend to think of all the things I can do but never act on them. I see that my home office is a total disaster and I can turn it into a cool room, I just am not up to the work right now. I have to make those action plans. Right now, they are all thoughts... There are things I should be making but I tend to lump the steps together and make it a huge chore, when i should be breaking everything down into small manageable steps. My brain is one big blob of goo right now, it is functional, just not fashionable. So right now where am I, I am trying to train myself out of bad habits. Bad habits of setting my low expectations because it is easier for me to get through life easier. Stop being practical rather than tactical. Doing things for me. What do I want to learn? What do I want to experience? What do I want to accomplish? Those are things I need to find out because I am always changing and everything is evolving in my head. Unfortunately, I am yet to take on those life challenges. I should of been there by now. So as of today, I will explore the roadmap in my head and follow it in the orders it takes me.

crazy..

I am not one to look back..but it has been weird I have been on my own for fourteen yrs. now, I left home at nineteen. Anyways, I looked at my local newspaper website and thought I saw someone I knew in a band picture playing at the local "cool" club. Did some internet searches and sure enough it was him, I used to work with him. I actually went on a date with him once. I thought he was an odd one but cool at the same time. Who knew...trips me out that things are going well for him. Anyways, I am not one to be nostalgic, I would love to say hi, how are you doing.. that kind of banter. I am a mom and am happily married and lead a Cosby Show life and you? It makes things interesting. Anyways, just an observation. I sometimes wonder all the what ifs...I am happy with my crossroads. I enjoyed this reflection. I love to sit back and watch on the progression of life. Now back to watching sitcoms and working 9 to 5. Yay me.

Marriage and Life

I awoke today and news broke that my idol Madonna was getting divorced from her husband of 7 and a half yrs Guy Richie.  I am not totally shocked, but I am saddened.  This woman has (had) it all, a family, a career and a husband.  I wonder what made this match made in heaven fall apart? It makes even the brightest star a little bit more human.  Statistics now show that marriage is about 75 percent ineffective.  Relationships are hard things to master, I think communication is a big key and then understanding.  Also, it only takes one to make the relationship fall apart. It is kind of a  symetric dance that always needs to have some balance- I am not a good dancer but I guess I am surviving my relationship dance so far, nothing is broken yet.  On another note, I got my Obama, Biden Vote Nov. 4th T-shirt.  It will go nicely with my Nov. 4 Madonna concert- I am sure despite her personal setback, her show will still rock. I wish her happiness.

It is home/just thinking

Thoughts are always running through my head...can you be one of those people that do things on a whim and succeed?  In reality, this is not me.  I am cautious of my actions in life, I plan in my head and make sure that there is plan B. What I am is a survivor. If I had to survive, I know I could, those instincts are there somewhere.  I read a blog recently,  and I am paraphrasing. There are people that just have stuff fall into their lap and there are people that actually work for it.  I think I am somewhere in-between.  But the main point of the entry was we are all lucky in this world (or at least America), we are not born in a time when there is a health epidemic like the plague or crappy air diseases that wipe out thousands at a time, we also live in technological times of the internet, space travel, world travel, which is good.  I know there are scientists and others that devote their days making our country and other countries better.  I salute that.  I salute those who try on a daily basis to love, live and make this world a better place to live.  I still have thoughts in my head, on how I can leave my thumbprint on the world... I know right now, I am doing this through raising my kids in a proper way (the best way I know how).  But occupation wise, not so much... I truly am working for the man. But this is all about survival. Granted, I do this with a small surrogate family of my fellow-man working collegues. With all those thoughts running through my head, I guess I am working on changing that, and that is what is called slow-evolution.

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Just thinking

In my option, I am sick of the news... I am sick of the world economy, I am tired of the political bashing....My opinion, why has the world gone awry? Because of greed and ego-centric behavior.  But it is in the 'reality world' times we live in, I still care and keep up with this news. It is reality, but sometimes I think it is all a bad dream.  I just think, people thrive on drama, it is in a lot of people's nature to find things that are not logical.  Is that why we are in this mess? Not thinking or evolving but just doing.  Success takes process and well thought out execution otherwise it becomes the chaotic mess we live in. It may not be the plague but it is a sickness that many people put upon themselves.  Vote Barack- lets get us out of this mess now!!

Things currently happening in my life


To pool or not to pool

Our pool guy we thought we were going to choose sucks, he won't return our calls and he is not all the promises that we thought we were going to get. I am glad we didn't sign with him, because if he doesn't call us back, that is not a good sign of good service for the future. So we are going to give our other bidder a try. We will see if Ed makes his head spin and scare him away or not (perhaps this is what happened to the guy I am not happy with right now). Regardless, we really aren't scary people to work with, we have simple tastes but require people to call us back when asked. Stupid first pool guy.

Retirement questions
Already? I am in my early 30s still, I just got out of my 20s (almost 3 yrs ago), yet Ed and I are talking retirement. I say live life and go with the flow. I can't count on SS and all the crap they give you when your 67 or 76 or 80. Hmmm.... sitting at home counting our budgeted stipends and getting bored out of our minds on tv and gardening, time will determine how old I will be and if we decide to actually retire.... That said, I would love to retire someday, I think Paris would be nice. Think of the possiblities. Live in Paris from April to July. July to March in SD. So many things to think about. Presently, I walk pass my daughter's day camp where it doubles as a rec center for seniors as well. I am not sure I wanna be that lady taking stretching classes in a smelly ol' gym. I wanna be the old lady strolling the Champs Elysees and eating at the cafe' with my little ol' lady ex-pat amies. Perusing the Seine and glazing at the Eiffel Tower from afar from our (Ed and I) little apt. in Montmarte or Marais or Rue Cler. How cool would that be?

Happy Anniversary to me
8 yrs. and counting. 8 is a big number it is more than 7 . I could of went to college/highschool twice. So 8 yrs. ago today, I got married in Paris ( the hotel in Vegas). Seems like yesterday, yet lots of times and things have gone by. I think I have went through 4 jobs, had another kid, gone through 2 cars, moved once, had about 7 big fights with ed (one a yr, I suppose it's healthy), went through a handful of pets (2 cats, 1 I still have, 2 pugs which I have sense relinquished, one maltese that died a week later due to complications of a spay) but currently have a lovely dog Stewie which is like my littlest child, numerous vacation destinations and a happy 8 yrs. so far of marriage. yay me.

Near Future

July= 4th of July=No plans, just to see Fireworks at Lake, Thinking about going to the French Festival in Santa Barbara next weekend. Going to Feist Concert in SD, Comic Con for the last day.
August= Do a trip at the end of that month to see folks and grandma's birthday.
Sept= My birthday which will be a non event
Oct- nothing much again but for my kids to dress up for their candy fix
Nov- Madonna concert and on the same day will know who our next president will be (Obama)
Dec- Christmas time, time again to be consumers of the retail nonsense they call Christmas. I would like it if they called it exchange your life with time with your family instead of exchange your money for presents for people you rarely see.

Just Life

I adore life, lately, I have been privilaged in taking a breather from my everyday life and seeing what else is out there in the world. People all around the globe are breathing, eating, and sleeping as we do here in America.   I am more inclined to retired part-time in another city, than pick up my things and leave San Diego all together, when I am 55 or so.  I feel it is important to have a home base.  I see the economics in just being a free bird and living in a city that makes more thrifty sense  but I know I will miss the weather and the things that make San Diego the city it is, for better and for worse.  It is important for me to work, have a sense of self and create more to improve upon myself. I so want to win the lottery and not have a care in the world, but that just wouldn't be who I am today (maybe in 10 yrs. :)).  In a little way, no matter how little it is, I am still contributing to the economy by giving my country my hard earned tax dollars.  The sweat from my brain that gives the government, those dollars better create a future for my kids.  Hopefully, the powers that control my tax dollars are wise enough to see that America is falling into the toilet. They better not mess up my retirement fund for my travels abroad when I get of age.